These jokes started as a set of random postscripts one of my programs added to the emails it automatically sent out. The program itself was highly forgettable, but the jokes are worth keeping for posterity. I got them from a variety of sources and even made up a few of my own.
Warning! Some of these can only be understood by nerds.
A man in a balloon shouts down to the farmer 'Where am I ?'. The farmer shouts up 'In a balloon!
What do you call a friend with an elephant on his head ? A flatmate.
What is orange and sounds like a parrot ? A carrot.
Boy snake to girl snake - Aw cmon babe, lets hiss and make up..
What is the Aussie word for a boomerang that doesnt come back ? A stick.
What is the coldest part of the North Pole ? The explorer's nose.
What has a bottom at the top ? Your legs
Bus stations are where buses stop. Trains stop at train stations. I have a WORK station..
A horse walks into the pub. The barman says ' Why the long face ?'
Stallone and Arnie making a film about composers. Sly says ' I'll be Mozart' - Arnie says ' I'll be Bach'
What did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
What cheese is made backwards ? Edam.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book ? Because they all have phones.
What is hairy and coughs? A coconut with a cold.
Dad! There is a man at the door collecting for the swimming pool.. - Give him a glass of water.
Why did Spock have his head in the toilet ? He was examining the captains' log.
The invention of the wheel caused a technological revolution.
Which cowboy is always pestering you for a fiver ? Skint Eastwood.
The discovery of electricity was a shock to the scientific establishment
How many rotten egss does it take to make a stink ? a phew.
What kind of cans are there in Mexico ? Mexi-cans.
Did you hear about the boy they named after his dad ? They called him 'Dad'
What did the young bedouin say to the lass in the tent ? Would you like a date.
He started his life as a petty crook, but after the viagra heist he became a hardened criminal.
Have you ever seen a man eating shark ? No but I've seen a man eating fish fingers
Why was the child studying in the aeroplane ? He wanted a higher education.
Why is cattle surgery a team building exercise ? Because it requires cow-operation.
A magic tractor went down a hill. It turned into a field.
Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where on the beach nearby, but the programmer was shouting F1 F1 and nobody understood.
Who's idea was it to have an s in the word lisp ?
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
The new omni 3 platform. It's so fast it executes an infinite loop in 6 seconds.
A visitor from Montana on tour in Wall St, NYC. At Battery Park the guide showed him some nice yachts and said, "Here are the yachts of our bankers and stockbrokers." - "And where are the yachts of the investors?" - montana man replied.
Well, I passed my ethics exam, but I had to cheat.
The chickens have come to roast.
The automotive industry is cyclical. The bycicle industy is byciclical.
Wagner's music is better than it sounds - Mark Twain.
A verbal contract is not worth the paper it is written on.
How many ears does Spock have ? 3 - left ear, right ear, final front ear.
How many ears does Davy Crockett have ? 3 - left, right, wild west front ear.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy ? I dont know, who cares anyway ?
Some things have to be believed to be seen.
Cockney in accident, covered in blood. Doctor says 'where you bleeding from ?' cockney says 'bleeding Romford'
Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided ? The survivors were marooned.
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left. - left,right,geddit?
Why does the word monosyllabic have 5 syllables ?
God must love the common people, he made so many of them.
Always use tasteful words. You may have to eat them.
Parachutes are like minds. Only work when open.
Did you hear about the explosion in the car factory ? It was raining Datsun cogs for weeks
AIBOHPHOBIA - the fear of palindromes.
Overpopulation : When people take leave of their census.
Bank Rule: To get a loan, first prove you don't need it.
BROKER: Someone who makes other people go BROKE.
Doctor doctor I keep hearing a ringing in my ears !! - Hmm, perhaps it is because you are a telephonist.
Dead people are cool.
Old musicians never die. They just decompose.
Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
We all make mistakes... said the Dalek climbing off the dustbin.
Don't use a big word when a diminutive one will suffice.
Democracy is four wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Anybody can be Pope; the proof is that I have become one. (John XXIII)
BIGAMIST: A heavy fog in Italy.
I'd love to help you out. Which way did you come in? (Groucho)
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet.
Very few people can afford to be poor.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
You will get a fair trial, after which you will be shot.
In an atomic war, all men will be cremated equal.
Most constipated people don't give a shit.
To every rule there is an exception ( excep this one..)
' ... Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.'
If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
When I want your opinion I'll give it to you!
A clear conscience is usually the result of a bad memory.
SOUND ADVICE: 90% sound, 10% advice.
Wine is sunlight held together by water.
DBA is an anagram of BAD
Move your vowels every day or you'll get consonated.
Only lemmings should jump to conclusions.
Today 's rebel is tomorrows tyrant.
Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man. Communism is the other way round.
ASCII stupid question - get a stupid ANSI
If u cn rd ths u cn bcm a c prgmr.
The phone rang. I picked it up and said "Who is speaking please?" And a voice said "You are."
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said Parking Fine. So that was nice.
I was getting into my car, and this bloke says Can you give me a lift? I said Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other off.
Since these random jokes are so dull and repetitive, here is a random number instead: 4457078634575
What is red and invisible ? No tomatoes.
What flies and wobbles ? A jellycopter.
A major town in Yorkshire was stolen last night. Police are following Leeds
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says - Does this taste funny?
Is there another word for thesaurus ?"
Is there a shorter way of saying abbreviation ?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Can one be totally partial?
When companies ship styrofoam what do they use to pack it in?
Why isn't phonetic spelt the way it sounds?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Clouds may have silver linings, but kitkats have foil wrappers.
Whats green with red spots ? A frog with chicken pox.
Whats green and dangerous ? A frog with a GR7 anti tank missile launcher.
How does a frog feel when it is depressed ? Unhoppy
Does the name pavlov ring a bell?
Atheism is a non prophet organisation
Its a little known fact that Shakespeare was working on a spreadsheet when he penned his immortal line =OR(B2,NOT(B2))
Anagrams are secret facts. Spreadsheet = Ah Deep Stress
A Frenchman stole a painting from the Louvre, but was captured two streets away when his van ran out of petrol. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.
Customer: Yuk! This coffee tastes like mud !! Waiter: Oh that's strange, I am sure it was ground this morning.
Why don't oysters like to lose their pearls ? Because they are shellfish.
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion ? Because they peel.
How do you catch a rabbit ? Hide behind a tree and make carrot noises.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
A man entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, hoping at least one of them would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Sects! Sects! Sects! - said the monk. The second one says - Is that all you think about?
Two atoms meet in the pub. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The second atom asks, 'Are you sure?' The first one replies, ' yes I'm positive.'
Why won't melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.
Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him a pizza my mind.
Sign on Music shop window: 'Out to Lunch, Bach at 1:00, Offenbach at 2:00'
How did the pig with laryngitis feel? Disgruntled.
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights ?
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
(quote) I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I 'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success ?
Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up? Because DEC 25 = OCT 31
How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day? Give him a bottle of shampoo which says - lather, rinse, repeat.
As far as we know our software has never had an undetected error.
What is the difference between cinderella and and the back of your cat ? One is a fairy tale, the other is a furry tail.
Inheritance - the object-oriented way to become wealthy.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants ?